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‘Nuff said right there really, isn’t it?

I mean I could just say “Optus” and ya’ll (Australians at least) would immediately respond with “Fuck Optus. Fuck Optus up their Mother Effing Asses.” Then we could be done with it- but we’re all entitled to our own little piece of ranting paradise and I’m about to take a vacation.

Let me set the scene my lovelies. There I am, chillaxing in my hospital bed high on the morph (That’s morphine for any of you non drug slang speakers)- trying to ignore the burning feeling in the back of my throat and the intense pain in my arm (long story- tell you some other time)- when I get a call from an Indian accented chap telling me about the next best thing to be shat out of Optus’ generous asshole.

It’s an Ipad. An Ipad3- and I can get it under offer for $45.00 a month +$15.00 for unlimited data. Fucking bonus right there my friends. So I get all happy (yes- happier than the morphine rush) and chirpily accept this mans offer. He says to me, he says “Matt, buddy, let me put you right through to confirmation”- And I say to him “No worries mate” Confirmation goes all well and dandy- I get the nod from the credit check (Booyah!) and I soldier on my merry little way.

We part ways me and Optus- we part ways for a week. Then I call up and make sure everythings fine “Yes Mr Stone- delivery confirmed for ##/##/## at ——– St, South Melbourne.” So I thank Optus and soldier on with my week- my painful week. I head back to work after a week and a half of quarantine. I get on with my job like the meek manly man that I am.

2 weeks from the date of the call hits- I call up Optus and I say to them “Hi buddies, so turns out my Ipad isn’t here” Optus says to me “No worries buddy, we’ll check.” They check. “So Matt, you have to wait til 5pm today to receive” (Mind you this is at 4:45PM. “No worries buddies” I say to them.

5:00pm comes and I go home in tears (well not really, but I assure you it was a close call) – The next day rolls around and I feel like I’m going to rock up to a workplace where a little red slip informs me it’s waiting for me at the Post Office”. What do you think I rocked up to my friends? Hint: It’s nothing!

So I call Optus “Hey buddies- so my iPad still isn’t here yet. I got the service number, order number and previous details of conversations though to help make your lives easier” So off “Kim” goes to check. She comes back 20 minutes later and Kim says “Mr Stone, I’m afraid the order didn’t process correctly. You will need to go into store and reprocess”.

My reaction bordered on that fine edge between confused and hostile.

“I’m sorry I don’t believe I understand- I’ve been told for two weeks that my order is in transit, then in Melbourne, then ready for delivery by 5PM- now I’m being told the order never processed correctly and I won’t be getting it at all? That I also need to take time out of work to go get the iPad and- after all that- I won’t even get the same deal at the store?” Kim’s response: “That is correct, unfortunately there was a technician error” My response after a few minutes of silence: “Thanks Kim” Chat has been disconnected.

So. Sorry, but could any of you help me? How the living fuckity fuck is my order in transit for 2 weeks only to have never been processed. How the flying nuff balls does a technician get involved with customer service/sales? Did they throw a wrench at the sales person who sold me my order? Picture it; “Why the FUCK did you give him such a good deal?! That’s only for the VIP’s you fucking nuff nuff!” *Throws wrench*.

….If this happened Optus, you have a huge apology coming your way on my part because man, did I leave Kim some nasty feed back. Including a gem that went to the tune of “I’m surprised you guys can actually manage to find and wipe your own assholes- as the incompetence displayed in this circus was astounding”.

But Optus- I highly doubt a wrench was thrown. So let’s just call it quits- you can now admit that you are biggest douchebag assholes in the entire telecommunications industry. Well- apart from Telstra- but really, they’re in a league of their own aren’t they?

Fuck yo’ self Optus.